unconditionally

every once in awhile, norah absolutely 100% REFUSES to take a nap. obviously, this is no fun for me. i lay her down, leave the room, hear her playing, go back in her room, pat her back for a minute, leave the room, hear her playing, go back in her room and so on and so on forever and ever until the end of time. eventually i give up and get her out but by that time comes we're both miserable. she's clearly exhausted and i'm getting more and more annoyed as the day goes on. 

i'll admit, it throws my game off when she does this. i use her morning nap for "me" time. i get dressed and ready for our day, and then drink my coffee slowly while browsing my favorite blogs and answering emails. sometimes i'll do a few chores, though i usually reserve that for her afternoon nap. so when i spend her entire nap time going in and out of her room i clearly am unable to get anything done that i wanted.

so now i'm irritated, norah is tired and cranky, and we still have things to do. after i finally got her out of her crib we went downstairs for lunch. she ate 1/300th of it, stuffed some under her legs (??) and threw the rest on the floor. lovely. i get her cleaned up and ready to go to the park. then mark calls: he won't be home with the car (and carseat) until 5:00. lovely. ok no problem, let's go for a walk instead. i'm just hoping to tire her out at this point. she runs too close to the street so i have to chase her. then when we get halfway down the block she sits and refuses to walk. lovely. i give in and pick her up because now i just want to go home.

we're walking and i'm angry and she's just looking around being a 19-month old and then she gets me. she lays her head on my shoulder and nuzzles into my neck. i melt. i realize what a butthole (yea i said it) i was being all morning. she's a baby! MY baby! i had no reason at all to get so angry with her. yes, it is SUPER ANNOYING when she won't go down for a nap. but no matter how she's acting, she's still mine and i'm still her mama and i still have to try. 

she caught me taking pictures of her. usually she pulls away but for whatever reason today she found it funny. so i took more. we made faces and i tickled her and we laughed and laughed. the bad mood cloud that hung over my head all morning was gone. i looked at her, kissed her, said i'm sorry baby and i love you.

she looked back at me and gave me a kiss. i died. she wrapped her pudgy little arms around my neck and squeezed me tight. i died again.

we got back to the house and i asked her "are you tired?" she said "nap? ok!" (i rejoiced in my head). upstairs in her room she nursed for a bit and fell asleep almost immediately. i stayed in the room for fear that she wasn't totally asleep yet so i pulled out my phone and looked back at the pictures we took.

and i died a third time.

this sweet little thing. my sweet baby girl. even though she has a butthole for a mama she stills loves the heck out of me. no matter what kind of a mood i'm in or how bad of a day we're having she knows just how to make me smile again. but it made me a little sad. i'm supposed to be the one to make her happy. i'm supposed to be the one to lighten the mood. i'm supposed to be the one always smiling, even when i'm tired, even when things aren't going my way, even when my kid is going nuts and there's nothing i can do about it. i'm supposed to be an example for her! 

but norah... she loves on me UNCONDITIONALLY. buttholiness and all! i'm so thankful for her. thankful that i realized how i was acting before it was too late. thankful that now i can try and be different. thankful that she is still so young, and that i probably (i hope) have not screwed her up too badly already. 

of course i love her unconditionally. she could be throwing her own poo at me and i would still love her. but do i always SHOW her love? no. i am human and with many flaws. but as a follower of Jesus i am supposed to love my neighbor as myself. how can i do that if i can't even show love to my own daughter all the time!? i realize that by letting my emotions take control that i am not showing norah (or anyone) the love of God. 

i'm not saying we won't have another day like today. i know we will, i just hope they are few and far between. but the next time norah is bouncing around her crib during her nap time, or throwing her food, or doing whatever angelic thing that she's doing i will remember today. i will remember that she is my baby, she is a child of God, and she deserves to be shown love. unconditionally.